The Accidental Astrologer
Ground Control to Major Tom: Control Yourselves!
June’s stars encourage restraint
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Sugar, you really oughta seal those lips. You cannot stop yourself, and impulse control is the thing you need most. Try a glue stick instead of ChapStick. Itching to take a frying pan to your lover’s noggin? Pop some bubble wrap instead.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Aunt Tipsy and Uncle Toasted have not exactly modeled good behavior for you. Bonkers, Baby. So now that you’re all grown up, you are finding your own way. You are wiser and stronger than you know.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Just ’cause you’re a jungle cat, don’t mean you need to act like a house cat in the litter box. Right about now, you have dropped something stinky right in the midst of a situation that needs some air. Restrain from adding one more thing to a volatile mix, Pretty Kitty.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
What was it, Honey? A sugar rush to the brain? Did you two have a magical connection over Cinnabons? Sugar and cinnamon are sheer bliss together, but not much more than a passing fancy that will melt away.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
It ain’t all that deep, Sweet Pea. Truly, all who wander are not lost. Some are just looking for the restroom. It is not a month for you to play traffic cop and be a master of the universe. It’s a month for you to just master yourself.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Sugar, don’t be so judgy. Grandpa Hornblower used to say that even the good Lord had a great fish story. Someone close tells a lot of tall tales, but let it slide. They just want you to believe they’re worthy.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Cornbread ain’t square unless it’s store-bought, and best made in a seasoned cast-iron skillet. You’re as country as hominy grits but nobody knows because you polished all the rough corners and are seasoned just right.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Let’s pretend you go to McDonald’s for the carrot sticks. That you like dressing up for church. And that you love being a grown-up. Stop pretending. Time to kick a can, twirl a hula hoop, be a kid, and get down and dirty.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Slim chance, fat chance, pick the difference, Sugar. It don’t matter. Do the thing that is true, and stop the BS. If the virus taught us anything, it taught us that time is too precious to deceive ourselves. Risk something.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
You’ve made yourself humorless with rule-keeping. Lighten up! A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. Honey, cut yourself some slack because the one who needs to control themselves ain’t affected when you don’t.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
If you could make everyone happy in life, you’d be a wine box. But what you are is not exactly an endless fountain of joy juice. Baby Doll, sometimes you get so intractable that you lose yourself in the argument.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
That thing that someone did really scrambled your eggs, didn’t it? They messed in your business and you don’t know if you can forget it. Sugar Booger, let it go. You have a much bigger surprise coming. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.
