The Accidental Astrologer
Guts, Game and the Good Life
Virgos have it all
By Astrid Stellanova
By September, ole summertime holds on like the last drop of sweat.
September-born Virgo children have guts and game — and a taste for the good life, especially if you can plate it or pour it in a fancy glass. A few: Queen Elizabeth I, Prince Harry, Greta Garbo and Lauren Bacall, and the first woman to run for President, Victoria Woodhull. To that add a short list of a long list of actors: Charlie Sheen, Danielle Brooks, Lily Tomlin, Michael Keaton and Salma Hayek. Plum crazy, right? Virgo birthday celebrations sizzle like frog legs (or fried chicken) in a cast-iron pan. The Colonel himself, Harlan Sanders, was a finger-lickin’ Virgo. Let’s talk food and drink, Star Children.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
That famous old curmudgeon Hemingway said he drank to make other people interesting. What makes you break out the bubbly? If nothing else, celebrate a year of wild-child creativity at the cusp. This may just be your best year ever, Sugar Foot. So hit the dance floor, do the worm, get down tonight, and savor that muscadine slurpee.
Libra (September. 23–October 22)
The slump you’ve been in is going to come to an end. Best of all, you will have a breakthrough versus a breakdown. Somebody close to you is biting their tongue and you owe them. Treat ’em right; your tastes in spirits are downright amazing, and you owe more than one round.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
When you did one of those drink-and-paint the ducky nights, turns out you sure do have a gift — for drinking. Don’t sulk, because your ducky was the most original. Originality is one of your trademarks, but so is radio silence, Honey. Open up and call a friend.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
You got catfished. Conned. But it wasn’t all a failure, Sugar. The catfish in life keep the rest of us on our tippy toes. You won’t be caught again. And, it keeps you intrigued. Plus, catfish themselves are pretty damn tasty dipped in corn meal and fried up.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Your mouth may be saying cheese, chocolate and a malted, but your jeans are saying, for goddsakes, order soup and salad. The bingeing was fun, Honey Bun, but now it’s done and get your sweet self back in training for that killer fall wardrobe you wanna rock.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You get emotional just doing the Happy Baby pose in yoga. And you have been known to express your feelings in the most unusual ways, Sugar. Whatever has made you so vulnerable is intensifying but will release by the month’s end so you find a way to chill without a smoothie or a milkshake.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Innocent soybeans died for your veggie burger, Sugar. You have imposed a lot of strict ideas on yourself and others, but remember you can’t survive without making a lot of choices. And some are going to be far harder than skipping a mouth-watering bacon cheeseburger.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Well, a good friend just pickled your okra, didn’t they? Now you have to put up or shut up, which is a Devil’s bargain. There’s no shame in just holding back one more hot minute before you unload your bucket. Patience is going to be your best ally.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Sure, you can make wine disappear, but, Honey, that is not some kind of a super power. Not exactly. But, in one way, the best thing you can do is keep your mouth full, because not everybody is buying what you have been selling lately.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You are at a crossroads, Sweet Pea. Can you be honest all of the time? Because you have hurt some people who care about you and left them wondering if you care for them. Do not feel compelled to tell Aunt Ida her cooking stinks. She’s too old and too tired from a lifetime at the hot stove.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You towed your bass boat to the wrong lake. You backed into the wrong situation. Maybe you put in, maybe you fished, but you are in the wrong place, Honey. If you can find a graceful exit, go home and grill the catch of the day before you get hooked.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Were you slurring or trying to talk in cursive, Sugar? Seriously, you were way more entertaining than you even remember. Now you have to get some steel in your back and face up to a situation that will require you to be sober and serious — if only about what you will cook for dinner. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.