The Accidental Astrologer
Have your cake — and half the icing too
By Astrid Stellanova
I’ve always gotten a kick out of how August-born Leos are creative types —extroverted and full of drama. But August-born Virgos are analytical types, who like working hard and being of service. This explains how come August is a lot of things to a lot of people: the month, for instance, we celebrate National Golf, Picnics, Peaches and, last but not least, Romance Awareness Month — with something for both sides of the spectrum to get a big old kick out of, Star Children. Ad astra — Astrid
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Gluttony is still a character defect, last time I checked. And when someone brings you a birthday cake, that does not mean you can scrape all the icing off, eat it till your stomach hurts and leave the plain old bald cake sitting there for everybody else. You know what you like, and once you’ve gone after it, you don’t care one iota if that sticks in someone’s craw as you swallow the last bite. Celebrate yourself, Honey Child, but remember that might mean you leave at least half the icing on the cake for your friends.
Virgo (August 23–September 22
There was a time when being retro wasn’t cool. You missed that memo. Now you’ve grown into yourself and the time is finally right. Just keep that chin up and let everybody think you were simply way too cool to ever give a fiddle-fart what everybody else thought. Then become that person, Sugar.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Somebody ought to thank you, Captain Obvious. You have mastered the finer points of things that most people might think everyone sees. But they don’t, and you know it. So be true to yourself, Child, and let the jokes roll off your straight back. Busting out with a cuss word is not a good way to exercise your vocabulary.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
It has been an uphill climb for you, you’re hot and bothered, and your brain is as fried as a pork rind. Just when one weight rolls away another seems to find you. It’s easy to be you, because nobody else would take the job. But it sure is going to have its perks; be patient.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Some think you are too big for your britches and have nowhere to hide. Maybe you are. But maybe you have the right to stand up for yourself and not be overlooked or miss being counted. Everything sure isn’t what it appears. Like my bumper sticker says, honk if you love a good argument.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You are still standing back, still wondering if you have what it takes. Seriously? Does Dolly Parton let a bad hair day keep her off the stage? No, Honey. Your life didn’t start yesterday and leave you behind. It starts this very second so don’t miss it.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
What’s keeping you from the greatness you are born to enjoy? One degree of separation, my sweet pea. Only one. If you still want it, go for it. Unseen hands are reaching to help, and even if they are calloused, take them and dance.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Your honor student and your dog may be smarter than everybody else. But, Child, does that mean you are — all the time? Don’t confuse pity with understanding. Also, don’t waste your last dime buying them lottery tickets, either.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Are pork and beans your two major food groups? Is Pigeon Forge your idea of heaven? Don’t apologize. Are you sure you want to be someone other than who you really are? Bless your heart. You are just fine as you are, and pass me the Texas Pete.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your reasoning lately makes no kind of sense. That’s like confusing collards with grits. When the whole mess in front of you is over and the collard stink clears from the room, the good news is your mind is going to clear, too. Blue skies are coming.
Gemini (May 21-–June 20)
Does your heart go pitter-patter when you hear a Harley? Is there a part of you that won’t be tamed? You let loose with the national anthem like you wrote it and make everybody smile. These passions are what make others love you, Sugar. Live your life out loud.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
There’s a fine line between speaking your truth and using it like a blunt object. You scared your friends and neighbors, hollering as if that makes your argument one bit stronger. Sugar, it didn’t. Elvis died in August. The Mona Lisa was stolen in August more than a century ago — and it took two years to recover. It’s a tricky month ahead. But you don’t have to take that long to get a grip. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.