The Accidental Astrologer
Lunatics, Lovers and Poets
There’s never a dull moment in Aries-land
By Astrid Stellanova
Oh, the famously maddening, cuh-razy-making Ram! Famous Arians include maniacs like Hitler (OK, OK, der Fürher was actually born on the cusp of Aries, with his sun in Taurus). But it also is the sign of beloved actors (Marlon Brando), singers (Lady Gaga) and rap stars (MC Hammer). Poets (Robert Frost, Maya Angelou) and artists (Leonardo da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh), too, share the sign of the Ram. We may curse you, Aries Star Children, but we will also follow you, to cliff or cliff-hanger.
Ad Astra — Astrid
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Sugar, you have it all: impetuousness, impatience. Usually, you are found stirring the pot in a very hot kitchen. Making action is your M.O., which is why your sign is common among generals and CEOs. But you ain’t common. Driven, affectionate, passionately loyal — also easily ticked off. You push, you pull, you press, you tug; you don’t relent. You have the combustible energy of a turbo jet. But what you need most right now is a sugar-free cake and a long nap.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
How’s the view from the edge? If you keep raising the hackles of a foe, you could wind up wearing your tonsils as jewelry. Honey, I hope you wake up to the fact that you cannot keep pushing the buttons of some of your most important allies without losing them for good.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
I may not know karate but Astrid does know meltdowns. Juggling flaming batons has become your new normal. Sugar Pants, this is not a pace anybody could or should maintain. Even when you stop, you jog in place. Don’t just do something — sit there till those hot pants cool off.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Drunker than Cooter Brown. Dishier than Smoky Bacon. This is a time of extremes for you. You have played your magnetism to the hilt, going all Zelda at the drop of a bra or jock strap. Honey, are you sure this is the plan — or is the plan in control of you?
Leo (July 23–August 22)
It’s been a donkey’s age since you told the most important person in your life you loved them more than a pack of Nabs and a Coke. They need to hear it. Sugar, don’t play it cool. Let them know they are your MVP and cement the deal.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Something in the background of your life just ain’t reading quite right. And, I’d wager my bunions and white hairs that you have been kept out of a situation that deeply concerns you. It may be for your own protection, but I would prick up my ears and listen. If ole Astrid’s wrong, you can keep the bunions.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Well, you can’t uncook a cooked goose, can you? And you can’t make amends if you don’t even recognize you had a hand in turning the oven temp up waaaay too high. You didn’t intend to create the situation, but if you own up, you can set things sorta, kinda right again. It is never too late.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Let’s say you have been obsessed with settling a score. Am I right? Bet you a doughnut for a dollar that you ain’t gotten over an old feud. It’s been simmering for some months now. Let’s say you might want to lie low, because this particular feud won’t be helped by throwing more fat on the fire.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
The lump in your mattress is not from stashed cash. Let’s say you’ve been a little extravagant, and you really and truly need some shekels that are scarce as hen’s teeth. Baby, austerity is the word for the month. But when you emerge from this dry spell, an old debt will be repaid and in the nick of time.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Don’t give a hoot and a holler for what some stranger thinks of your idea? It really deserves a better opinion and another look. You are on the right track — no matter what you’ve been told. Your inspiration isn’t just all sweat — it’s a little bit of genius, Honey.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Laying it on with a trowel, were they? Turned your head, huh? Well, that’s what people do when they sense an easy opportunity and a body in desperate need of an attagirl or an attaboy. Here’s the thing: Your reputation is solid as a Cadillac. Keep your feet on the ground. You don’t need that noise.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Even if Sheriff Andy Griffith got pulled into your latest kerfuffle, he wouldn’t know what to do either. The situation you are in requires you to be your own good counsel. Go to the diner, get a good cup of coffee and a slice of pie, and think it through. You already know the truth, Sweet Thing. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.