The Accidental Astrologer
Mule-headed Aquarians: about to bust with a new sense of direction
By Astrid Stellanova
Aquarians are in fine fettle this year. Everybody calls them visionary — which in my opinion means: They are stubborn as mules, but much better-looking. Aquarians are true to themselves, having mule wisdom that makes them unlike any other Star Child. The Aquarian nature is naturally smart and everybody knows it. They’re ready for the New Year and busting with a sense of direction. And they’re bent upon getting there first and plowing a new field — except when they positively cannot get out of their own way. — Ad Astra—Astrid
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Oh, there’s something you want so flipping much you can just taste it but you are holding back. But you would die if anybody knew, wouldn’t you? Birthday Child, you gotta risk it for the biscuit. When you see what you want, don’t hold back until the biscuit is cold and stale. Pick it up, and slather it with some butter.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
It ain’t a story till you tell it. . . and you have got to tell it before you bust wide open, Honey. Who did what to who is the narrative that has kept you on edge for waaaay too long. You know who buried the body, dontcha?
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Jay-zus, take the wheel, because you do not have a clue where you are going. And, to the alarm of us all, you are going 100 miles per hour like you are Richard Petty at the Indy 500. For godsakes, let somebody else be the pace car.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Opportunity has knocked twice. If you ignore it again, you will have to wait until the next astral cycle for a big opportunity like this one, Baby. Your heart has been pounding like wet sneakers in the drier. Ignore your fears. Open. The. Door.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Smug, ain’t you? There are so many ignorant people, and, in your not-so-humble opinion, they seem to be procreating in record numbers. If you don’t learn anything else, you might just try a little checking that attitude and making your sense of humor your bigger goal.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
To those closest to you, your life is about as bewildering as a dumpster fire. Sugar, when you threw your troubles out the window, you threw something valuable with it. Reassess what you deleted. There are some friendships that you can still restore, and still need, Sugar.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Your best friend in life, your mirror self, only had two things when you met. Their past and their future. Somehow, you overlooked just how much you two have in common. But if you surrender the past — both of you — there is so much waiting in the present.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
If you hear yourself saying you are the voice of reason, then you know that everybody else is screwed. Baby, you have got to be kidding. Somebody cares about your future and you haven’t given them the time of day. Revisit, revise and renew yourself.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Honey, when is “old enough to have learned something about life” going to kick in for you? You have allowed some issues to recycle themselves — old lessons still waiting. They ain’t going away. They are just going to hide in the closet until you invite them inside.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You may not exactly hate your new situation, but let’s just say it feels like the Monday of your life is rolling 24/7. As a matter of fact, you did get a raw deal, Honey. But rolling in everybody’s sympathy ain’t going to help you. Put some steel in your backbone and Tuesday will come.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Now, I’m not saying you don’t have the big picture, but Child, if you were a bird you would know exactly who to dump this one on. Repeat after me: It ain’t your fault. And it ain’t yours to fix. The mess you have been cleaning up on Aisle 5 was never your fault.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Somebody in your life tests your last nerve with their endless complaining. And then, to set you off, they do an eye roll. Which suggests they are gonna find a brain back there in that numb skull one day. Sugar, there is a reason this crazy maker is still in your life. They are not here to teach you eye calisthenics, either. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.