The Accidental Astrologer
Forget the Vegas floor show and look to the skies for a spectacle you’ll never forget
By Astrid Stellanova
If you’re a fan of the fantastic, find a good spot for sky-watching around May 4–6 when the Eta Aquarids put on a show that will rival the Bellagio’s dancing fountains to dazzle us. This is one of the year’s best meteor showers. A waxing moon will mean low illumination, offering a good gander at falling stars galore.
Star Gazers, try not to fall off your fishing stool when shooting stars reflect off the pond and fish jump right outta the water. If ya’ll should miss out, pass out or fall out, you get a second chance for gawking at something be-yoo-teefull next month when the Arietids occur on June 7.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
There’s you, bullish and charged up, and then there’s everybody else in the room fighting for the leftover oxygen. You have big appetites, needs and dreams. If you weren’t so dadgum full of life force, it would be tempting to just lure your wild self into a padded room, lock the door and keep walking. But who can walk away? Boring you ain’t. Amazing you are, when you harness all that star power for the good. If you don’t find the discipline, you exhaust friends and confound enemies.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You can’t motivate some people, even if you gave them a job in a MoonPie factory licking marshmallow crème off spoons. Motivating somebody else in your life just ain’t your job, Sugar, but motivating yourself, is.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Third time’s the charm, and, Honey, you can bet your stars and garters you are gonna succeed. If you can tap, yodel or clog, or have a dog who can, get yourself to Nashville. The stars are in your favor.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
The enemy of your enemy ain’t necessarily your friend, Honey Child. You trusted a conniving devil, and you found out you don’t like sharing the same lumpy bed, do you? Kick ’em out and put ’em in your past.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Your secret desire may be to play Cher in a tribute band. Whether that happens or not, you will at least be able to find both an open mic and the courage to read that poem you wrote. Sometimes you gotta be you.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Don’t just use your head as a hat rack. Modesty ain’t working right now. Put your good brain to use, Honey, and notice how opportunity is right smack dab in front of you. It’s your turn to show ’em what you got!
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You’ve been so dang disconnected you don’t even know when to shout Bingo. Speak up, Sugar! Everything is pointing to the fact that you need to act. If you do, you avert a big old problem, and if you don’t, you won’t.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
You got an epic surprise. Someone shocked you silly and sucked the sugar right out of your cheeks. In this case, it is plain wonderful to be wrong. You counted this someone out, but found they counted for something.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Your mouth was wide as Texas but nothing came out. Stage fright, Sugar? Looks like it. Practice speaking up to somebody who gets your goat until the words comes naturally. Meantime, get yourself a good calming mantra.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You buttered their butt and tore it up like a stale biscuit. Feel better? Vengeance was yours, and now you can mark that fool off the list. Focus on your better angels, not the avenging ones.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Sugar, you love who you love, and you just despise everybody else. Except, you don’t exactly say that. In the interest of world peace, end a grudge you’ve been nursing since fifth grade. Have some gumption.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Lordamercy, watching Aries Star Children gets my eyebrows raised up so high my hairline has to beg for space. Let up on the ambition, and pick up on downshifting. You ain’t got to be first all the dang time. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.