The Accidental Astrologer

Take a Chill Pill

In September, nothing succeeds like . . . moderation

By Astrid Stellanova

Summers end is here, Star Children. Mercy be, Astrid is relieved, as so many star charts are running hot and boiling over, like my Cadillac’s overheated radiator. Cool off, cool down, top off your tank with some nice cool water, and find whatever tickles your pickle.  — Ad Astra, Astrid

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

When you celebrate the date of your birth, you don’t have to bake your own cake. You don’t have to apologize for wanting a party. You don’t even have to second-guess what is everybody else’s favorite cake.  Sometimes you know what you want, but you find yourself worrying about what others want. Take yourself on a different kind of birthday trip this year, and I don’t mean you have to actually put on your shoes and go anywhere — just get outside of your comfort zone. 

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Excess is not your friend this month. The definition of forklift isn’t about putting more on your fork than you can lift. Temperance and a little patience will help you overcome some of the challenges in your personal life and also make you find other outlets for all those frustrations taking residence in your psyche.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Your silence is often mistaken for your possessing great depths. Dare I just flat-out say it, Sugar?  It’s often you trying to be mysterious but even more, it is you refusing to commit what you truly think. There’s nothing much wrong in your life right now that a good flat-iron and a cocktail couldn’t fix right up. 

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Imagine you are Lank Lloyd Wright, younger brother of Frank. Or Willy the Kid, the distant cousin of Billy.  You feel like you have grown up in the shade. Born into the unfortunate ranks of shadow siblings, not has-beens but never-weres, you don’t like that you never have gotten your due. Honey, all of those feelings are going to dissipate this very summer when fame comes knocking.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

You and a certain troubled someone go together like drunk and disorderly. They are the flip to your flop.  They are also reliably a lot of fun and a lot of trouble. Their draw has been irresistible for so long you cannot imagine a month without their talking you into something you would never do without their goading. This would be a good month to try.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Say what, Honey? Your belt won’t buckle but your knees do? This is a good time to hit the gym, hit the road, hit a ball . . . just don’t hit the pantry. You love to entertain and you know how to set up a moveable feast. But it is exactly the right time to hit the salad bar and the garden patch and say “no” to anything that doesn’t look like cream, butter or a heaping spoon of sugar, Sugar.

Pisces (February 19-–March 20)

Summer started off with you acting like some kind of genuine crazy person. Thelma and pleaaaaaaaaaaaase!  Now that you’ve been there and done that, come on back to reality, Child. Take charge of your inner GPS and find a detour around Crazy Town, USA.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

It has been a redneck picnic this summer for you, and you enjoyed every last bite. Now on to your next phase. You are known for episodes of sanity, and one is coming up.  Grown-up time for you, Sugar Pie. It may read as mind-numbing and boring to you, but just give it a test drive.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You have a will, and that will has been more or less focused upon figuring out how to get your way. Always. Hmmm, hit a roadblock recently, didn’t you?  Now you have some explaining to do if you want your beloved to forgive and forget. That’s all I’m saying.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Contrary to what you believe, you have a tendency to show your emotions all over your face. And what you have been showing lately is the meanest-looking doll face since Chuckie’s. Tempers have been flaring, you got into the middle of a ruckus, but you can do better. 

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

This month is going to be a breeze compared to the hot mess you endured last month. There is every indication you can borrow anything — a cuppa flour, a little time — but don’t borrow any more trouble.  There are more important things to attend to right now.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Go ahead, Leo, roar. You’ve got a splinter in your paw and it hurts like the dickens. Actually, it’s more like you have a splinter wedged in your heart.  The wedgie from Hell. It is going to require some time to find the relief you are seeking. Meantime, do what you can to find an outlet — and I don’t mean Tanger’s.  OH

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

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