The Accidental Astrologer
The life of a Taurus is always intense
By Astrid Stellanova
Queen Elizabeth and Ted Kaczynski. Willie Nelson and Billy Joel. Karl Marx and Malcom X. Tina Fey and Adele. Cher and Bono (U2 front man, not Cher’s late ex husband Sonny). That’s right, Star Children: These are Taurus babies who are all just a tee-ninesy bit intense and take to a stage, pulpit, or even the witness stand like a ducky takes to a daisy. The emerald? A pretty intense birthstone that makes it just right, don’tcha think? This is a month to end bad juju, make amends, dream bigger and dazzle with a smile. Ad Astra — Astrid
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Sugar, you could be on your deathbed arguing about the guest list for your own funeral. Sometimes you are a pragmatic soul. At others, you go psycho over some little detail that flips you out and trips all the circuits. Take yourself for a little lunchtime walk or get your hands in the soil. Let nothing come between you and your joy this month.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
If you don’t do anything else, accept a gift that is offered to you. Ain’t going to change the person who always gets you riled, so just live and learn, and move up the line. You’re a natural trendsetter, who will find yourself making an imprint. The second act of your life was always meant to be especially important.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Lordy! You started out saying you wanted to risk it for the biscuit, then you backed down. Don’t let anybody stop you this time — make your mind up to put some steel in your backbone, Honey. You have given much more than you’ll ever take — your moment has come and the reward is deserved. Also, say yes to that trip.
Leo (July 23-–August 22)
It won’t take a slide rule for you to calculate how many hours you have wasted on the wrong partner. It seems you overcommitted. Now, just try a little undercommitment. Sugar, I’m just warning you that you have been dropping the bucket down the wrong well. Your reward is waiting in an unexpected location.
Virgo (August 23-–September 22)
If you were just honest about it, being uppity is not working for you. By your standards, paper towels are white trash, too. Why don’t you practice a little more acceptance, because all this social maneuvering, posturing and aspiring just makes you look silly and feel lonely. And you don’t handle lonely.
Libra (September 23-–October 22)
A confession is overdue. There is something you need to stop carrying on your shoulder ’cause it’s not yours to bear, Love, and you don’t need to carry it one more step. Confront the person you think you wronged and make amends. They will surprise you, and your health will improve afterward.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You are spending more time alone than is usual, and maybe you like your own company. Make it your business to reach out, Honey, and touch somebody, just like the commercial says. Few people know you have a doozy of a secret. Open up. They can handle it, Love.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
The greatest adventure you ever took started at your front door. Only you understand what that means. Home is everything to you nowadays — far more than to most (and far more than to typically far-flung you!). It is also where you are finding your calm center in a very turbulent, topsy-turvy time. Rest up, Honey, because the adventure isn’t quite over.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
In your fantasies about the life you shoulda-coulda-woulda had and the path you didn’t take, there is always one particular dream on your mind. It has haunted you. This is a good time to take a step in realizing that dream, even if your rational self says it’s nuts. It ain’t. And, best of all, it ain’t too late, Sweet Pea.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You are having a phase of intense dreams that reveal issues and concerns helpful in your daily life. In many ways, you have been dreaming of the most meaningful and best ways to move forward. Keep a close record of those reveries for May and notice key information that your mind is offering.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Shew, you crossed the wrong person and they have not let it go, have they? You sure did poke the bear and now you are living to regret it. Give ’em a good bottle of whatever they like to drink or take them some blossoms, but for garsh sakes, end this thing! They may be wrong but holding out ain’t worth it.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Last month, you were given a birthday present that startled you and you haven’t quite figured out its meaning. That may be a good thing. Someone you don’t love in quite the same way as they feel toward you has been trying to worm their way into your heart. If you go there, it will flame out fast and cause more heartburn than passion, Baby. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.