The Accidental Astrologer
C’mon in . . . the Water’s Fine, You Crabby Chic Cancer!
By Astrid Stellanova
Reliable and loved, you are — even if crabby. Let’s not forget that you are nocturnal and persistent, but when disappointed you really, really wanna dart back into that shell and run for cover. Shifting sands under your feet make you skittish, but come on out and test the waters! You’re in intense company, too: Nelson Mandela, Gary Busey, Tom Hanks, Princess Diana, Sylvester Stallone, Meryl Streep and Sofia Vergara all share the sign of the crusty critter. — Ad Astra, Astrid
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Did somebody say crab cakes? If you had your druthers, you’d have your cake, top it with cholesterol-bustin’ whipped cream, lob on some ice cream, and watch your health-nut buddies holler loud enough to blow out the birthday candles. Cancer babies have more friends than Carter had liver pills. But — when you start counting your blessings, Baby, and bless your heart you should — do add diligence to the list and forget that LDL number for just one day. You worked for what you have achieved, which goes to show that perspiration is more important than inspiration. Sweat, don’t fret! And keep dreaming that big dream, cause it isn’t too late to see it happen. But hey, nobody has to remind a Cancerian to be tenacious or to eventually trust, do they?
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Sugar, you’re fast and nobody in your age class can beat you in a foot race. But collar that fight-or-flight impulse for now. Keep that dog on the porch —the one about to run to the front of the pack. You are this close to advancing to the lead without having to put one dirty sneaker on the ground.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
It was true you could splurge a little, but Honey, was that your idea of a try at wild abandon? Lord help us, you burned through cash like a Cub Scout with a pack of wet matches trying to burn a wet mule in a storm. So let’s try this again: Indulge yourself, even if it is the Dairy Queen special at Happy Hour, OK?
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Count to ten. Say Amen. Bless your heart; you are fixin’ to have a breakthrough. If you ever thought you had an idea that might be worth something, this one is it. Take care of the legal bits and don’t go bragging at the farm supply about what you are up to until you have your horse saddled and you are ready to roll.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
What happened to you recently is about as obvious as a tick on a yellow dog. You are mad as all get out. You have a reason to be, but don’t just do something. Sit there. Think it through before you start tootin’ or tweetin’ or bleatin’. A turnaround in your thinking and your temper is the gift in all this, Honey.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Last month was about as much fun as a colonoscopy. This month is a reward — but don’t get drunk as Cooter Brown just because the blame train left the station and you got a family pass. Bless your heart, you are about to have a big reveal concerning an old friend. Don’t be surprised to learn an old love never forgot you.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
It amounted to no more than a hill of beans, Sugar, and that got you all het up. Now, you are ready to plow the back 40 just because that head of steam needs to be released. Bait a hook and go fishing. Whoever got your dander up, they were a small minnow in the fish pond, not Moby Dick, and let it pass. Forgiving thoughts are needed.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You never should “coulda, woulda” on yourself. But you do. Honey, you are looking back over your shoulder way too much. The trouble is, you don’t see the double rainbow looking backwards. This isn’t a breakdown, but a breakthrough. When you’re deep in it, they feel about the same. Time, this month, is your friend.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
It’s blowin’ up a storm and you put your favorite bathing suit on. That, Sugar, is part of your quirky charm and sunny nature. But right about now, galoshes and a raincoat might be needed. Take refuge in the fact that you have found a silver lining when just about anybody else couldn’t. That is worth a lot and makes a mighty storm pass mighty fast.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Sweatin’ like a hooker in the front row at a tent revival? Well, you got called out for entertaining the choir with a story about the preacher and the teacher. It would be wise to hold your tongue a hot minute. Not everything that is confided in you is meant to wind up in one of your stories. Discretion, Darlin’, is the word of the day.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You’ve been navigating the China Store of Life like a bull on steroids. This is a breathe-deep-and-release time. You could scare your own Mama with your determination, and make small children shake in their boots. What almost nobody knows is what a sugar pie you really are. It won’t cost a nickel to let a few more in on the secret, either.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
When the month ends, you will look back with no small pride over the fact that you finally acted like a grown-up, Honey Bunny. By turning the other cheek, you have passed a milestone. It was donkeywork for you, but you did it. Don’t neglect your health right now, and drop a weight that could be on your shoulders. OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.