The Accidental Astrologer
With the stars in level-headed Libra, balance is everything
By Astrid Stellanova
Librans are no airheads, even though y’all know it is an air sign. Libra is the sign of balance. A true Libran likes nothing more than a balanced bank account and a balance beam. But they also have a very off-kilter sense of humor. Funnyman Zach Galifianakis is a Libran (born in Wilkesboro). Susan Sarandon, Vladimir Putin, Lil Wayne, Serena Williams and Will Smith are Librans too. Imagine having that list of guests for a big ole Libra birthday party, Sweet Things. — Ad Astra, Astrid
Libra (September 23–October 22)
Sugar, last month you spent too many hours of your life rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Now, you’ve found a whole new (read: not lost) cause and that makes you happy. But do take a tee-ninesy bit of time to stretch out on a lounge chair and just look back over the past year. You’ve weathered some mighty storms, but paddled your way back to shore and survived those stormy seas. This is the month to allow yourself some time for friends and family although you feel pressured to keep your eye on work issues. You have got a good year ahead, with many of your biggest life obstacles faced and overcome.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You’ve never seen a mirror you didn’t like — c’mon, you know there is a secret little part of you that does like your own reflection. You invest in yourself and it shows. But consider the hard fact that you cannot eat makeup and become a more beautiful person on the inside . . . that is going to require you to put somebody else ahead of little old you.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Is Bigfoot real? As real as your windfall fantasies are. Honey, you can keep on buying those lottery tickets and spending your hard-earned cash like you already won, but it ain’t going to get you where you need to be. The truth is this: People admire you for your imagination. But use it to create, not to build castles in the air.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You got a shock and a bad break. Things should have gone differently. Life can be a lazy Susan of crap cakes, and we all get a serving sooner or later. But here’s the nice part: The month ahead will not be more of the same. In fact, something you missed out on is gonna present itself again — a second chance, Sweet Thang.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
It has been a lonely chapter for you, and you went into full-on hermit crab phase and buried yourself at the home front. Look, Honey, your best friend is not your salad spinner. You have a lot of friends who miss their pal. If you only knew how many consider you a role model, you’d put the lettuce in the Frigidaire and get out more.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Your never-ending urgency is like a 24/7 emergency. Are your pants on fire or is that just smoke you’re blowing? Have you noticed how often you ring the bell, crack the whip and sound all alarms, only to have bewildered looks or eye rolls follow? Maybe try being a little more sensitive; try meditating. Just keep your hands off the alarm.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
This is when the stars move into your complementary opposite, but you sometimes lack the gumption to appreciate it. October is when Aries will grow nostalgic for the green promises of spring, and miss out on the beauty of the fall. Balance in all things, if you want to be a sure-footed Ram. Look up to the night sky!
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
As much as you like to think of yourself as a trendsetter, a few people see it differently. Like, rumor has it that the last original thought you had was probably back when vinyl still ruled. That galls you, right? Ain’t fair, right? So prove the rumormongers wrong. How? Stop dragging out the same old same old.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
The crazy train had not even left the station before you decided to kick all the passengers off. Sugar, you are the conductor. The destination is sometimes to the town of Wonderful Madness and sometimes somewhere else. Don’t leave friends guessing — where exactly is this train going, and why are we all here?
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
The year has been so topsy-turvy you have had a tough time calibrating. This is a good month to chill and watch the leaves change, Baby. Take a road trip to some place you like and try and find solid ground. It isn’t possible to balance by standing on one foot and playing it all Zen, when you really feel Elvis-like and all shook up.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
The Leo nature can be melancholic. You call it philosophical. But, face it, Honey; some think you’ve just been in a bad mood for several years. If you decide to be less philosophical and more grateful, you would find that you have talents you haven’t used and friends who don’t even know you miss them.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
If this year taught you anything, it’s pithy things like have an attitude of gratitude. Stitch that onto a pillow where you can see it. When you take stock this fall, notice that it is life changing to let those who made your good fortune possible know you are aware. Unseen hands have helped you; now move your lips and say “thank you.” OH
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.