Talkin’ ‘bout My Generation
Giving no quarter to the Top 25
By Maria Johnson
I resist click bait most of the time because it’s a total time chew.
But once in a while — in the same way I enjoy an occasional bag of Cheetos — I enjoy “news” that clearly isn’t.
Take, for example, the piece that snared me recently: The Top 25 Things Baby Boomers Think Are Cool, a compilation by the celebrated Millennial journalist Serget T.
The implication, Boomers, is that if you like anything on the list, you’re not cool. Spoiler alert: You’re not.
But you’re also not very disciplined. Soooooo, click.
1. Diamonds. Did you know that most jewels are a scam? People purposefully keep the stones out of the market to drive the prices up. Think of all the student loans you could pay off with the money spent on diamonds. I agree that natural diamonds are a rip-off, and they’re often mined under horrible conditions. But if you ever propose marriage to someone special, your high-minded self had better not cough up a piece of pink zirconia. Trust me on this, kiddos.
2. Golf. This is the most boring sport in the world, it hurts your back, and apparently it only exists as some sort of status symbol. Plus you have to spend tons of money just to start? No thanks. Agree. My husband probably could offer up a reasonable argument, but he’s out playing golf, so . . .
3. The mall. You can buy everything you want online without any need to go into a crowded store with a terrible parking lot. Unfortunately, this is true. I say unfortunately because I have great memories of Orange Bowl slushes, Spencer’s gifts, and walking counterclockwise around giant planters for no apparent reason.
4. Plain toast. Make fun of our avocado toast made on artisan bread all you want. But do you know what sucks? Plain, dry toast on boring white sandwich bread. Agree, but no one eats plain toast unless they have malaria.
5. 24-hour news networks. It’s basically just trash for your brain. Like Top 25 lists.
6. Crocs. I don’t care how comfortable they are. They still look ridiculous. Yes, they do. Call me when you develop plantar fasciitis — which you will, my little child of Vans with no arch support — and I’ll let you borrow mine.
7. Reader’s Digest. Wrong generation. That was your grandparents.
8. Ironing. It’s so boring. I’d rather let my clothes be a touch wrinkled than spend time ironing everything I own. Yes on the boring part, but as far as I know, only my grandmother ironed everything she owned, and I’m here to tell you that hell hath no fury like a cardboard bath towel. However, in defense of light starch, I will say this: Do not — I repeat, do not — wear a rumpled shirt to a wedding or a job interview.
9. Jorts (jeans shorts). The last time I checked, New York was awash in young women wearing cuffed denim shorty shorts. Granted, the effect was not the same as the knee-length dad jorts pictured in your list, but then again, do you really want to see your dad in cuffed shorty shorts? Mind your denim bias.
10. Scripted art from department stores. Whether it’s a wall decal or a painting, it just looks . . . tacky. Bless Your Heart.
11. Airbrushed T-shirts. Woooo-hooooo! Daytona Beach, Spring Break, 1979. Yeah, baby — smoking free cigarette samples and playing that Devil’s Triangle drinking game that was so popular among Boomers.
12. Conspiracy theories. Baby Boomers are the generation that brought us JFK and moon landing conspiracy theories. It’s no wonder they believe sites like “infowars-freedom.blogz.us” these days. I’m so glad young people are beyond fringe theories (cough-cough, Kanye West and David Bowie are spirit-swapping soul mates, cough-cough).
13. NCIS. Damn straight. If you ever turn up dead and in the Navy, you’d better hope Jethro and Abs are on the case.
14. Sending emails. Emails are the worst. You’re right. It would be sooooo much better to have lengthy texts and attachments pouring into a place where I cannot ignore them.
15. Landlines. AKA cell phone finders.
16. Cruises. Wow, a prepackaged vacation where you’re trapped on a boat and get to visit another country for two hours and feel like an adventurous traveler. Agree. Never been on one, never wanted to.
17. Paper bills. Ugh. Paperless bills are SO MUCH BETTER. Yup, paper’s on the way out. And yet . . . have you ever noticed how quickly a feral Millennial will snatch a $20 bill from a Boomer hand? Watch your fingers.
18. Messages in ALL CAPS. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE YELLING. TEXT US BACK, AND WE WON’T HAVE TO YELL.
19. Retirement funds. HAHAHAHA. YOU’RE FUNNY.
20. Mrs. Dash. There’s a WORLD of spices out there. Why are you yelling about spices?
21. Home shopping channels. I generally agree that we don’t need more stuff. However, the stretch puffer coat with removable hood and faux fur, in dark purple or black, is undeniably attractive.
22. Slacks (shown with picture of Boomer dude in billowing, cuffed UN-IRONED khakis) Do these look good on anyone? Wait. I think I’m starting to understand skinny jeans. Fabric under tremendous body heat and pressure needs no ironing.
23. Racquetball. What is the point of this sport? (To score points). Who plays it? (Racquetball players). Why don’t you play tennis? (Because we are playing pickleball).
24. Patterned wallpaper. All wallpaper looks bad, but Baby Boomers tend not to notice. True, it looks bad. And false, we notice.
25. Giant cable TV packages. Point taken. Roku to the rescue. With a high-def antenna to pick up local network affiliates because . . . NCIS.
For the record, this list of 25 things ran on to 62 things, ending with “unpaid internships.” I agree. Fork over the dough, fellow Boomers.
And do yourselves a favor, Millennials: Learn to count. OH
Also on Maria Johnson’s recommended reading list: Top 25 Reasons Your Dog Follows You to the Bathroom.